Falling Down and Getting Up

--This entry is dedicated Katy Dagenais, Colleen Baliga in Physical Therapy and Debbie Peters in Cognitive Rehabilitation.

Image from https://movementum.co.uk/journal/falling

When I first got back after having my stroke I was never really concerned that I would fall.

It had never really crossed my mind.

From time to time I watched other patients at CNS go up and down the stairs and from time to time I would try the stairs.  

I wanted to walk very badly.  My driver Laura could attest to this fact.

CNS was very careful with my recovery.  They never pushed me to if I was not ready, but I was not concerned with falling.

When I first had my stroke I wanted to walk--I wanted to walk so bad that I shoved my walker in a corner and did what Bruce and Gerald refer to as wall surfing.

If there was a wall I could lean on I was glued to it. 

Every time Bruce and Gerald would walk down the hallway I did not  want them to catch me leaning on a wall, so I straightened up until I could walk around without wall surfing.  

And because of this I get better and faster and more confident in my walking.

Again, I never really feared falling even when I was at Encompass Health (the place I was at unfortunately before the Center for Neuroskills) I never thought I would fall.  

One night I got up and went to the bathroom and that was when I first stumbled.  

I remember stumbling only for a moment where I grabbed the edge of the bed.  

My legs never hit the floor, but I remember waking Margaret up from sleep.  I remember this because she screamed.

We spoke that night because I caught myself against the bed.  

She was concerned but I told her that I stumbled but caught myself.  At that time I remember making a pledge not to fall, and I never really felt like I would fall.

Then three months later I had my first fall.

It happened in PT.  I was trying to balance which is one of the things we work on in Physical Therapy.  

I remember trying very hard to balance when my body leaned to the right and my right is my weaker side and I lost balance and fell half-way between the mat and a chair.  

At first I did not think much of what happened but I had hit my side on a padded chair--unfortunately, I hit the part of the chair that was not padded.  

After pulling myself up I went about my day.  Unbeknownst to me, I had actually hit my rib which began to hurt more and more as the day went on.

By the time I got home my rib was killing me.  In truth I was afraid to say anything because one of the PT trainers Tristan had spoke to me about it.  I had just managed to get off the walker and I felt I had ruined all my hard work--I felt I had taken a step in the wrong direction. 

I know that was the wrong way to think, but I felt my rib stinging, and I was angry. 

It felt as if I had taken a step backwards, and I was very afraid I had ruined all the work I had done on my recovery.

There was a fear that consumed every part of me that if the Center found out I had fallen they would put me back on the walker.  

This was all incredibly irrational.

Every day I had to bring my walker to the clinic and store it in a closet.  

Day by day I brought my walker to the clinic where I stored it in the closet, and day by day I took my walker back home.  

I did this for three months.

During this time my rib hurt, and I was still very afraid they would never let me off of my walker.  

It was an absolutely irrational fear, but I could not get over it. 

In truth Tristan had mentioned they would put me back on the walker.  At the time I was very angry. I did not react well to Tristan's "suggestion" I would go back on the walker.  I remember speaking harshly about it.  In fact I might have dropped an F bomb or two--or three.

There was no excuse for the way I felt, but I was not going back on the walker. During my time at the Center

I was adamant about this point.

Shortly after CNS checked on me but the real damage had been done.  My fall had affected me.  It was completely psychological.  

After this I was bitter for a while.  After a while my rib stopped hurting. The Center was very good to me, and I think I was just an irrational bundle of nerves.

The fall had done its damage, however.

The second fall was a bit less dramatic.  I was in Cognitive Rehabilitation working with my primary Cognitive Rehabilitation therapist Debbie Peters, when I caught my feet on the spokes (I call them spokes) of my chair.  

I tumbled forward and hit the ground.  It was a complete accident, but I was more shocked that hurt--in fact I was not hurt at all.

I was worried about falling, but I was fine.  I tried to tell her I was fine, but Debbie did her job and called Nursing who fawned over and checked on me. 

Most of that time was spent telling Debbie or anyone who would listen to me that I was fine.

All of this was to no avail but in truth I thank the Center for caring about me. I think the fear of falling was always in my head but I had built it up in my head so even now I think my falling made me even more afraid to fall.

I guess in some ways I had to fall which in a way prepared me for the reality I would fall.

So recently I have  been doing balance exercises and when I almost fell I turned and did a  little pirouette in place.  Miraculously, I did not fall, and I still do not know how I managed to balance and not fall.

Even now I know that falling is part of my recovery, but as Katy told me I am more prepared after falling twice.  

And Katy prepared me for the eventuality I might fall and now I am prepared for getting back up.