A Serious Wakeup Call

 The end of every story is bittersweet.   I think I expected some triumphant return to my life, but the truth is it was all very anticlimactic. After nine months of therapy--one month of being on hold--one short return to the clinic and two months of waiting--the truth is I settled into a a comfortable hole. I had never been that bad.  Truthfully, I wanted to throw my walker away on the first day of being home.  When I was home I didn't use it much and when I took in to the clinic, I felt like I could do more.

It has been seven days since my insurance placed me on hold again. I have settled into a new routine--the center has given me a lot to do and I am trying to do it.   Once more I have been placed on hold--the world has started to turn slowly once more. I tried to expedite the process this time.  Skip,b another patient who I have written about before, was adamant when I told him I was on hold again.

--This entry is dedicated Katy Dagenais, Colleen Baliga in Physical Therapy  and Debbie Peters in Cognitive Rehabilitation. Image from https://movementum.co.uk/journal/falling When I first got back after having my stroke I was never really concerned that I would fall. It had never really crossed my mind. From time to time I watched other patients at CNS go up and down the stairs and from time to time I would try the stairs.   I wanted to walk very badly.  My driver Laura could attest to this fact. CNS was very careful with my recovery.  They never pushed me to if I was not ready, but I was not concerned with falling. When I first had my stroke I wanted to walk--I wanted to walk so bad that I shoved my walker in a corner and did what Bruce and Gerald refer to as wall surfing. If there was a wall I could lean on I was glued to it.  Every time Bruce and Gerald would walk down the hallway I did not  want them to catch me leaning on a wall, so I straig...

The Design of Our Marriage We come to another milestone, Families and friends crowd round us In celebration of the sapling we have grown.   The foundation we laid together shows That brick on brick of family Melds each moment as husband and wife.   Through year on year of love, lockdown And of strife and family trials, We face the frontier that now stands ahead.   Though we grow stronger in patience and in trust And friends and family too, despite A world that  tries to damage both of us.   In all things we are stronger, In a world that moves against us. We bloom together despite these hardships.   Now I call your name and you recall back mine— We brave a world that forces wind against our base And cannot budge us strictly by design. Our Anniversary–Today November 23rd Already now another year has come and we have passed five years–this very day. Now five whole years may seem a lot to some– It is but just a moment...

It is Friday, and I am already tired. Normally I would be winded or even slightly ready for a weekend.   Today was my first independent day ever.   During the course of the day I was given a list of things to do.   Each of the things was designed to keep me busy and to spur me onward by making sure I used good time management. The hard part was I had to stay organized and finish the list of tasks before I left at two o'clock. The hard part was I had to track down my therapists, and they had to sign off on my work. Which was difficult as some of them were not here today. First I had to plan my day out.  The list of activities were also timed meaning I had to take a lunch and had to do them at certain times of the day. Time management was definitely part of my schedule--and I had to be organized.  So I started earnestly.  I went from task ti task doing them in places where people could see me, specifically tasks where I needed to do 15 minutes ...

You can learn so much from the Golden Girls. There is a lot to learning about a brain injury.  From my time at the Center, I have learned much about my fellow patients in many new ways that help me know them more intimately. Every day that I go to the center I meet a patients who teach me something important about myself and brain injury. The person who taught me the most was Mike Greg.  Mike Greg who taught me patience and kindness.   Mike taught me a lot about stroke patients.  He taught me about filters and patients who lose the ability to filter the things they say.   There were many times I understood better but it was not until my mandatory four week vacation that I began to watch or rather binge the Golden Girls, and I noticed that Sophia, (played by Estelle Getty,) the oldest golden girl, mentioned in the pilot had a stroke.   It was only mentioned occasionally at first and only in the pilot. Now, I watched the series for many years, but...

There are many things I have learned while at the clinic.  Just talking to my driver is an education in itself. Of the many things I learned--therapy can do many things for you--but you have to want it. Because if you are not willing to fight--if you do not want it--if you give only the minimal effort--or if you phone it in--there is nothing the clinic will change for you. And I mean it--you can come every day but without the drive to do what needs to be done you are wasting the precious insurance money that allows you to be here. There are many people I have met here--one such person is Skip. And he is a shining example of this amazing place. My driver told my about Skip who I learned was a lawyer.  He had previously told me that he wanted to walk out of here using a cane. We often shared a belief that we will walk out of here together--no cane--at least that is what I believe. Skip is truly the x-factor here at the clinic.  He works hard in a that makes of proud to know...

Starting this entry is very hard.  To quote Allison Curbo there are several people here at the center who deserve a level of praise. As I have been at the Center for Neuro Skills since April I have done testing under numerous therapists and each of them have helped me in ways that were unimaginable. Two such therapists are Bruce and Gerald.  Each day I have come to the Clinic was incomplete without a sighting of one or either the other. Today is no different. As I walk around the clinic for my daily routine I can hear Bruce's voice booming from somewhere inside the Center,  His voice is infectious and it fills me and many patients with a sense of joy. Just yesterday I was doing health club and Gerald commented on my beard saying he wanted to see me with a trimmed beard and haircut.  It was a kind comment--the sort given by men who admire each other. In ways there are many reasons I return to the clinic and give my all in the trek to get better.  Two of the best ...

A Brief Survival Guide is dedicated to the patients of CNS A Brief Survival Guide as dictated to me by the patients of CNS. During my time at CNS I learned a few of the many idiosyncratic terms of going here.  Many of these terms are both humorous and enlightening as one of the newbies to the Center.   What follows are the many terms I learned and the patients who taught them to me. The ARM -- The Auditory Rehab ilitation Module.  Many times the Arm is brought up to give a break to the many patients who a struggling to regain and struggling to renew their cognitive faculties on a daily basis here at the Center. Arm Bike --the bane of the OT gym and workroom. The dreaded bike which at first was difficult to use.  But after a while you get to know the bike intimately and your ability to pedal gets longer. The Perfect Excuse --The excuse we all have that we easily laugh at when times are hard.  We often refer to our brain injury or stroke any time we need to....

When truth finally sinks in. For many patients there comes that time when there is a element of denial. For some think they will only be here at best three weeks. One of my my brothers, Skip told me that he lived in denial for a long time.   Being at the center was a real wake up call.   Much like Skip I had to adjust to the concept I would be working on many things, most importantly I would have to understand that my life would change, but I would get better.   It would take longer that I expected. I used to think that I would only spend about four months at the center, and I would only be here "just over the summer." The first truth bomb hit me when I was Occupational Therapy.   What I had referred to as my 79 percent side had become painfully obvious whenever I tried to write, or type of use as part of my testing.  Each time I used my right hand I tended to use my left hand to compensate--and the problem was I was right handed,  ...

 It has been four weeks since I came back to the blog. At present I am sitting back at the Center for Neuro Skills and trying to make a new understanding of what I now need to do. My insurance denied my payment for four weeks on the grounds that I was simply doing what they  deemed was "maintenance therapy."  I was  not ready to return to work, and I could not even drive. In truth I tried not to harbor resentment for my stupid insurance company.  Staying out of my wife's way was also very important, but for four weeks I tried to busy myself and assist her.  In many ways I tried to do excercise--which I had become accustom too. The big thing I tried to do was not make a mess,  When she came home with the groceries I did my best to put them away for her. It was a conscious attempt to prove my worth and ability to practice mindfulness.  I know my wife was thankful. Between this time Margaret went back to work.  And while she went back to work I ...

There are many things that happen on the road to recovery. It is one in the morning, and I have left my wife in our bed as I search the keys trying to make sense of this grief that has overwhelmed me. There are very few moments that I  have been so sad at losing a person--even now I find it hard to compose the words that I hope will come out of my soul and be a touching tribute to this man, my friend. Mike Greg was my friend.  Before he left the Center he planned to return to work.  His job said he could return to work, and I was ecstatic for him.   Val in occupational therapy had told him normally she would usually be the person that would okay his discharge--that because he had been okay to return to work--she normally would make sure he was ready--I apologize, I do not have the words to write this post. I was so happy for Mike.  He was highly functional, and he had an infectious smile and personality.  We all looked on him as a sort of big brother--...

On the second day of being at the clinic I was told to go into PT where I met several of the most abrasive and wonderful people around. After years of being very lax with my health--I say lax because I was not unfit, but the amount of fitness that I was capable of was unclear. I had had a brain injury and I had basically been unable to walk for a month--now I was beginning a long and arduous project of rebuilding those neural pathways and to be honest just rebuilding the will to walk again. So the first day of physical therapy I began each day with a PT therapist who started talking to me about what I had not done, really--work out. My therapists name was K--- and I began by doing bridges. They were not hard but by the end of the week I done so many bridges, and I was already stronger. While I was doing bridges (which to be honest were not very hard) I began to notice there were a lot of people who were improving and working on their own problems--and  every patient around me was d...

The Brotherhood of Brain Injury Everyday starts the same way. My wife and I start each morning with a blood pressure check, and I check my blood sugar. I choke down a large handful of pills and then I have breakfast--a yogurt and some milk. Usually my wife and I make my lunch before she shuttles me off to the "Center" when the shuttle arrives. I usually share some kind words with the driver who has warmed up to me and as I've told the wife--I unlocked her.  For a long time she didn't say much. We usually go to Hurst where we pick up Mr. R-----.  I cannot stress the importance of being on time--even my fellow patients have come to expect the shuttle. Mr. R---- is an older gentlemen who expects the shuttle to be on time. His house is beautiful with a front yard complete with foliage and a whimsical looking oak tree which has a face on the front of it--I call that Old Man Oak.   When we leave I watch as Old Man Oak disappears in the distance and topiary of Mr. R----'...

When I think back to the day I had my stroke I remember how my life was. Being at the clinic has been a serious wake up call considering the fact when I woke up I realize there  were several things I used to be very lax about.  The first was my health.   When I got up from the couch I used to groan.   The truth is my mother-in-law thought I was frail. It took a stroke for me to realize that I cared what she thought about me. I was very badly out of shape, and I ignored my blood sugar and my blood pressure which were both very high. It took a serious brain injury for me to realize I was killing myself--slowly and steadily.  To start with I had high blood pressure--I want to say I had hypertension but since my blood pressure was high enough to cause my stroke--as much as I want to call my blood pressure hypertension-- this is what caused my stroke.   I was also negligent with my medication.   Add all of this together--this is what cau...